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[Sue] Long time coming - update

Hello, my name is Sue and I am a procrastinator.

I have been telling myself for ages I need to write an update for the blog and then time just gets away from me. I now see it's been 10 months!! Good lord. My bad.

So what's been going on. Oh yes, my surgery. I had a total 116 staples removed over two sessions. It was a bit painful. I was finally, after about two months, able to sleep on my side again ... oh joy! I have been having some pain on one side and the surgeon wanted to make sure it wasn't the hernia come back so I had to go get a CT scan ... appears that I have a pocket of liquid (about 9cm x 4cm) that is normal after a surgery like that. I was told that my body would eventually reabsorb the liquid. Still waiting on that.

Now I have to say that the surgery was absolutely worth it! I am so happy not to have a stomach hanging to my knees. I can walk so much better and for the first time in many many years I am actually wearing jeans and pants in public! Before I used to wear long jean skirts to try to hide the stomach. My self esteem has gone through the roof!

{aundie} Ego

Hello, all. I hope you had a beautiful Thanksgiving. As it is for many people, this is a time of reflection for me. I find myself evaluating my ego and pride.
I never wanted to appear lazy or unable because of my weight, so I overdid. I so worried about the stupid prejudices and stereotypes attributed to women of size that I never stopped to ask if the things I was doing needed to be done. This ego and pride has both been a great thing and a tremendous stumbling block.
There was the time I messed up my ankle because I refused to use a scooter. I had fallen down some stairs at the gym and tore up my ankle. About two weeks later, I was with fellow Sunday school teachers at Sam's club or Costco to shop for a youth group camp out. You know that those stores are big. I refused to use a scooter. Didn't matter that I needed it. Didn't matter that I was there serving others, which is kind of the opposite of lazy, which is how I was afraid I would appear in the scooter. Didn't matter that I had hurt myself at the gym. Only mattered that I couldn't be a fat chick in a scooter. Took almost a year for the damage to heal.  I have no judgment of those who use a scooter. I think scooters provide mobility and freedom. But, for me, I was always terrified of them. I couldn't be in one simply because of my size. It would mean that those other people were right and that being fat was bad.
Then there was the time that my own prejudices about being large nearly caused my death. I had a clot and didn't know it because I assumed that I was out of breath all the time because of my size. Walking slowly and being out of breath was good enough for me. Now, I know better. The clot is gone and I move better. You should see me dance! Breathing is a wonderful thing. Stupid ego kept me from asking a doctor why I was out of breath. To be fair, many doctors are prejudiced and untrained and would not have looked beyond my weight. But, I gave up without even trying.
So, you see, my ego can do some damage. But, she also has made me a happy badass. That ego is why I can move like a younger, smaller woman. That ego is why I went back to school twice. That ego is why I no longer have a clot and don't have to take Coumadin.
I'm going to do my best to be healthy and to move. I like it. I like that people can't believe I will be 51 in January, but it is not all that I am. If I need a scooter in the future, I will use one. I may insist that it is pink, because I am a princess, but I will use it.

{aundie} Anniversaries

Happy Fall! Fall is a time of anniversaries for me - new anniversaries, atypical anniversaries, the kind that Hallmark doesn't make cards for, but anniversaries, none the less. Here we go, a fast review: I allowed sexual intimacy back into my life after 21 years of celibacy at the beginning of September 2012.  On October 31st, 2012, a dvt was found in my leg and I was put into the hospital. Talk about scary. I don't think I ever faced a life threatening situation before then and to have it happen on Halloween! God and I are close like that. With me, His sense of humor is just a little bit twisted and I love Him all the more for it. 
It occurred to me recently, that I know the date the clot was found, but not the date that I got to get off the Coumadin. I'm sure it is in part because the clot finding happened on a memorable date. But, I think it is also speaks to my frame of mind. Much has happened in my life. I joke that my story could make for a Lifetime miniseries, maybe even a new channel. There have been so many events, both good and bad, glorious and gut wrenching.  I don't know when it happened, but I moved from counting the victories to listing the problems, even after they were resolved. I'm not doubting myself or saying it was wrong. I think it was a natural byproduct of a great deal of pain. I am saying that I am ready to move off the problem list back to the victories.
I have struggled with "hope deferred" for a long time and it has indeed made my heart sick. Thankfully, I am surrounded by people who love me like no woman deserves to be loved. They pray and listen and then pray some more. After a very confusing and scary time where I feared I was losing my faith, my integrity, and all that made me me, my perspective shifted. The veil was lifted and I could see that God had never moved from me, which is a tremendous relief, for without Him, I'm nothing.
Here's what I think happened. I have faced some great emotional and physical challenges in my life. For many years, I self medicated against the pain with gambling and food and overwork and caretaking and hiding. In my 40's, I let go of many of these, but not the hiding or the caretaking. I learned that pain would not kill me and that I was stronger than I thought. Along with the pain and disappointments there were great miracles and even greater kindnesses. I grew stronger. People who loved me told me to start focusing on myself, to stop hiding and to let others find their own way. They told me to let myself be a woman, find the things I like, "do me", that it was time to be a whole woman, meaning dating and sex.
Here's what we all forgot. I'm an addict. We forgot that given an opportunity to run from pain, I will. Once I stopped hiding and accepted that I am a really beautiful woman, the floodgates opened and I was not prepared. It came too fast and too easily I think, but maybe not. I can't question that anymore, because I am not in charge of the timing. But, I know that I experienced something that I did not anticipate. Yes, it was nice to be seen as beautiful, but that wasn't it. It was so nice, after so many years to have a bandage for the pain. I let myself do the thing I had stopped doing. I let myself get distracted. I kept working on my issues, but men became the new hot fudge sundaes and video pokers. Ok, don't get excited. I didn't sleep with all of them. I don't think I slept with that many, but frankly, the number is not your business. OK, if it will help you with your life, message me and I will tell you. It's not the number, it's the focus.
I have never been interested in Prince Charming. I always said that I didn't want a knight on a white horse because he sat in front and decided where we went and that I would rather have my own horse and decide together. But, for awhile, I was a princess. And I got caught up in all of it. The promises that I never needed; the sexual power, that got boring oh so quickly. I got caught up because it took my attention and I didn't have to feel the pain of a fractured family and the fear that there was more tragedy to come. But the social and sexual distraction comes with a price. Most of these men wanted more than sex. They wanted my heart or my attention and sometimes my money. The money is not so easy to get - single parent, too many years, worked too hard to build this and way too much ego to give out money. Money might have been less costly.
I'm no longer fooled by promises, in fact, I think I am once again allergic to them. Like Snow White, I woke up from a long sleep, not from a Prince's kiss, but by my Father's calling. I remembered that I am stronger than I think, that the pain will not kill me, and that great miracles and even greater kindnesses come when I face what is happening now. I don't need anyone to sweep me off my feet. I worked hard to get rid of that clot so that I could walk on my own. So, no white knights need apply. I could a use a real partner. It's harder to be a partner than a prince.
Lest you think I was all empowered and "I am woman, hear me roar" about this epiphany, let me tell you that I was sadder when I decided it was time to settle down and redirect my focus. Again, I forgot that I am addict and I thought it would be all or none. Life is not all or none. First of all, the men did not get the memo that my focus has shifted. I still get lots of attention. I am not going back to hiding. I am not going back to celibacy. I like the pretty hair and the even prettier dresses. I like men but I am a reflective, relationship person. I'm also a great catch, to use an antiquated term. I'm also incredibly busy. So, while their attention may be on me, I will reserve the attention I have left after tending to my own life for the men of substance.
I am still a little sadder, but not ever minute. I am so much calmer and more stable. And the great miracles and the even greater kindnesses will come. That, I haven't forgotten.

(Stephanie) Fat sex and Body image


 Today I had to come face to face with parts of my Body that I judge. Why do we judge our body so harshly?  I have to admit my lady parts get me a bit uncomfortable (I blush) I have seen porn (ridiculous by the way) and I don’t look like them.  I am smooshy and wrinkly and so on I am not a harry person and don’t even know if I should be?  I have seen people tattoo stuff down there and pierce it. I have seem it bedazzled and dies colors what is going on down there.  Some people cut off bits of themselves to look more the part and we try to smell like a flower?  We do not need itchy glitter or neon pain to look sexy. We are beautiful no matter what our size shape or color. It’s not about all that how can we love our body when we think we must be decked out like a department store Christmas tree and smell like a floral shop.  I don’t know if I will ever be totally comfortable in my smooshy wrinkly skin but I know it sure feels better to be kissed on real skin then something covered in pain, glitter and beads like a child’s art project.  I am beautiful just how I am even if it sags a bit now and then.  

(Stephanie) Self-encouragement

As I sit here today still a work in progress, still reinventing myself, I am struck by how often I fall down and must start again. I must be past plan Z by now and am working my way through some ancient alphabet or something. I fall down and fail all the time. What I do after having a good cry and privet temper tantrum (How cool would it be if we could just flip out like children at times “but I don’t want to do the dishes again!! Well maybe not lol)   I brush myself off and start again. If all I can do is take a nap and get the dishes done one day then so be it. I need to stop looking at what others get done and think I have failed. My blood sugar is still out of whack well over 300 most of the time (I do eat right am under a dr.’s care its coming down was over 600+) and that can make it hard to focus and have the energy to move. As I walkthrough this new life I am creating I am struck by how often I must be my cheer leader, not my judge. I have this idea of what I should be able to do, it’s not even close to what I am able to accomplish. I would never set this standard for anyone but me. Why can I not be more understanding of myself? Why must I crush myself and put myself down when I do not reach a goal that was not the least bit realistic. How do you come to terms with being disabled and what does that mean?  I am often in pain and can’t do what one a different day would seem easy. This is not a sign of weakness. I need to look at what I am not only saying to the world about who I am but what I expect of others. Its amazing how crazy mixed up my expectations can be, a strange mix of too low vs. too high. When your changing everything about who you are and how you relate to the world around you yet all the time keeping your core self-true, you must learn to self-encourage. This sounds simple but when I fail I am disappointed. How do you set this disappointment a side and encourage yourself to do it again. When my son Preston choose to ride a bike he wanted no help. I watched him fall and get back up on that bike time and time again each time knowing he may fall, but also knowing if he fell enough times he would no longer fall but ride free. I will fall but one day I will ride free too 

(Stephanie) Baggage

Baggage we all have it! But how do we leave it behind so we do not drag it into the next Love. Did men cheat and lie in the past yes so am I waiting for the shoe to drop, yes. So I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to divine when he will hurt me, only to do two things hurt him and make what I fear come true.  What do I want? I want a loving safe relationship full of trust and happiness but are my actions helping me get what I want? No. Is it about being right or being loved? I know I want to be loved but I am not sure I even know how at this point.  I am dragging so much luggage behind me that I need a cart for it I am the guy in scrooge with the chains, my pile of luggage stretches all the way to the moon it seems.  Now I have to be fare let go of a lot of it, I no longer look at how a man looks over how I am treated and I am not looking for a man to take care of me, I am not a pet or a child.  I do have one very heavy piece of luggage that feels very burdensome, my fear of abandonment.  First let me say that it’s not just a physical abandonment I fear but emotional as well.  Let me go into a bit of history for you to understand I come by this quite honestly. I was married for 15 years and have 3 great sons I respect and love very much so I have no regrets just the baggage. I remember the day my X husband left me. It was not the rainy day (mother’s day) that my X physically left me and told me I was a bad wife and a worse mom (leaving his kids in my care, sure that’s the answer) It was quite early in our marriage when we were having a huge blow up and I was flipping out and I watched the love melt off his face. He left that day and stayed around like a zombie for years after that.  That was less than 2 years into our marriage, I spent the next 13+ years trying to be good enough to please him and make his love return.  This was not possible now we had moments of happiness but that deep safety of love was gone.  I have had many examples of this were I act out and love leaves and someplace down the road I started to actively push love from me. I have pushed friendships and Lovers a like. Some hurt me along the way many I hurt, the entire time my heart is screaming to be loved.  But what is love we all say we want it but if we do not know what it is how we can hope to fine it. First we need to understand there are many types of love some very safe others quite risky.  An example of a safe love is the love I have for my sons, I love them no matter what, they have to do nothing to “earn” or keep my love it’s freely given with no expectation added on to it. I love them simply because they are. Now I also respect and enjoy them but that is a different topic.  They earned that by being the kind of men who command respect, by being men of honor and compassion.  I steamer trunk of fear that has attached its self to my hip is so painful I add to its weight by trying to avoid it. I push a way the very man who is trying to offer the very love I want so badly but this monstrous fear of trusting yet again only to be abandoned again making me act like a crazy woman.  I look at how I am acting and the crazy things I am saying and wondering why he is still offing love to me.  I know I need to dump off this fear but am not sure how to do it. I know it no longer serves me, no longer benefits me regardless of how this current love turns out. Then I had an epiphany I am holding on to the trunk. It’s not part of my being attached like a tumor I can’t get rid of.  I am dragging this albatross from one place to the next. Into love relationships of all kinds, friendships to lovers.  There I am dragging the very thing into my new love that killed the old one. Have I been hurt yes will I be hurt again sadly yes, but I do not have to be the cause of that hurt. I do not have to guarantee that it will happen and happen quickly. I do not have to drag my trunk full of all that pain along side of me, I just need to let it go, now if only I knew how.  

(Stephanie) Emotional rollercoaster

Long distance loves have built in, even in the best of circumstances a trepidation.  As I move forward closer to getting my dreams and wishes to move into the land of reality. I am finding that I am a very bad emotional driver. I seem to hit every pothole and speed bump on the road of love.  It's a very bumpy way to move forward. Always swerving to miss the next bump only to bottom out when I hit it anyway.  I honestly feel sorry for the man who has chosen to deal with the baggage laden person I am. Honestly I see no other path I can take, when we have so many hurts over the years. if I am honest with myself (and what is the point if I am not honest with myself)  I do have many battle scars. I find I must hold on tight and ride the ride to get to the calm still waters on the other side. I am faced with so many fears and choices and I never seem to handle them with grace and dignity but am much more like a bull in a china shop crashing into everything no matter how hard I try not too.  I over think and analyze everything out of fear of making a bad choice only to find myself smashing my way right into the issue I wanted to avoid. when My ex husband of 15 years left I was given some advice that if we do not face the issues that broke our last relationship we will bring it into the next like a cancer that will destroy our new life. This sounds great till I realised there is no way I can have a new life without bring who I was with me. I am still that person and if I am honest with myself much of it I don't even want to change. I don't want to be different I like myself even if I can be a pill at times. I have my own way of doing things and no its not always pretty and may not always be easy but I do get were I want to go. I am faced with the fact that its not that I cant change its that I do not want too.  So I can be a bit bumpy at times but the very things that can make me so also make me beautiful. They are the part of me that is deeply passionate and caring, I feel most everything deeply. I love with a love that is deep and only grows stronger over time. I do not give up on the people I love no matter how much pain it may cause me. I think we (me) need to stop looking at the bumps as bad but rather understand that I may be a wild ride at times but after all that is the most fun ride to be. I need to stop trying to change who I am and work rather on enjoying who I am more. 

(Stephanie) Finding Love long distance, Toss the list!

I am the most shocked of anyone I have found love. The internet has opened so many doorways and made the world a smaller place yet opened my world and made it larger. I have for years had a list of what I wanted in a man. I am ashamed to admit what they were they all seem so shallow now. A good Job, Good looking, smart, same faith as me (this is a great one as I am not totally sure what my own faith truly is beyond the basics) politically aware, Intelligent , strong Bla bla bla. Over the past 10 years I have met lots of great men none of whom captured my heart because I always pushed them a way. then I tossed the list. Now I tossed the list not out of any sort of self evaluation, but rather out of frustration I gave up. I thought I will die alone with tuns of cats, I will be the cat lady. After all my best friend is my cat, she is so loving and devoted I can live with out sex. Well truth was that I cant so every now and then in an act of desperation and loneliness I would peek out of my shell and see what was out there. This time to my surprise (now that the list is gone) I met a man who meets almost none of that stupid list, but wants nothing more then to love me and make me happy. For the first time in my life I am open to real love. I am not looking to be saved but for a friend that will walk through life with me and face whatever it brings together. I love it. I feel 16 before all the pains in life beat me to peaces, before I let the expectations of others interfere with what I want in life. Now I just need to find out the shipping cost to pack him in a box and get him to me, cuz he is across the sea. so any ideas how to make this work and help him immigrate I would love it, lol

(Stephanie)I want a life

I am not sure who is reading this but I have missed doing it, so I am back. I have been through some hard places with health issues and so much more. I am ready to storm the castle and Have a life now. I have waited to have a life for years "if when"  if when I loose weight, then I will have a life, when I finish school, write my book, find true love.  I am not waiting to have a life any more because that is a lie. We have a life even if we do not live it. my life includes my pain and my loneliness whatever I allow into or wait to put into it.. I started this re-think yet again. I have been on hold in so many areas of my life. My love life, work life even my friendships why do I do this? I am no longer doing it. this is my life, I am here to live it. I am facing who I am. Ok I don't have the life I thought I would, but I do have a life I love.  I wake up every morning and see the faces of people who love me. I wake up each morning and am greeted by trees and flowers birds this is an amazing place we get to call home. my leg hurts so I can hardly sit still these days but I still keep going. when I see the simple joy I have at my finger tip I am blessed. will I finish the book sell my painting, live alone or with Love,do all the things I dream, I do not know. but each day is a fresh day and I am alive. I am not waiting anymore. 

{aundie} fitting in

I am opening with an apology. We all have our tastes and activities. I try not to be judgmental, but I fear I might be in this post. In no way do I want to put anyone down. These are my observations and views. I hope you can tell from previous blogs that I do not see myself has having "it" all together.  So, if I offend you, please feel free to comment. I could very easily be wrong.
It's a glorious time to be fat in Vegas! Unless you are me. Then it is time to run into the house, lock the doors, break out the sweat pants, hide the makeup, and just try to wait out the storm. What storm? The bashes. Have you ever been to a BBW event, dance, or bash? I have been to some "clubs" and am about to attend my first bash. Well, I paid to attend my first bash, but my feet are so cold that my walking into a room can drop the temperature 10 degrees. We'll see if I actually make it to a single event.
A bbw dance here in Vegas is where a promoter gets a space in a bar for an evening, hires a dj, we show up in clothes that we only feel comfortable wearing at such events, drink, dance, give out phone numbers, and maybe take someone home. A bash is longer. Still drinking and dancing with some other events thrown in. It's a dance with more - more people, more events, more drinking, more sex.
To be fair, I'm sure there is more to one than this. After all, I've never actually gone to one. But, how wrong could I be? Last year, a man who was pursuing me talked me out of attending any bash events. He described them as a "sexfest". The man is no longer around, but I'm keeping the term.
We wanted equality. We got it. We, the large size population, now have the same opportunities as thinner people to meet shallow people who tell amazing stories just to get us to give our bodies away too easily. It's not even the body part that troubles me; in fact, I like the part that involves my body. It is all the game playing and lying. Why must men lie? Ok, take a break for equality. Why must people lie? We all get horny. It's ok to just want sex. It's ok to want sex before committing to a relationship. Hell, it's ok to want sex and not have it. (Remember those 21 years?).  It's just not ok to lie. It's never been ok to lie. It's also often unnecessary. Well, that's not true.
Ladies, let's get real. We teach men to lie to us. We know they are not sincere and we give them 10,000 opportunities to say the "right thing" so that we can do the thing we wanted to do, but knew we shouldn't, whatever that thing is - sleep with him, sleep with his best friend, lend him your car, key his car. Whatever it is, you don't need a fantasy to do it. Just do it. Let's all make a commitment to take responsibilities for our bodies and our hearts, but without the fluff and lies. Think of it as a designer coffee without the whipped cream. I know you think you love the whipped cream, but it's really in the way.

About this blog....

Our vision with this magazine is to let you know that you are not alone. There are other SSBBWs around the world with the same issues, thoughts, worries and joys as you have.

- whether you have accepted your weight and love your body
- whether you are actively working to lose weight
- whether you want to get healthier and have more mobility but don't know where to start
- whether you are single or in a relationship
- whether you have children or not
- whether you work or are unemployed
- whether you are housebound or relatively mobile
- whether you are healthy or have medical issues

You Are Not Alone

Let's band together and share our stories, our triumphs and our pain.

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April 2014

Recent Posts

  1. [Sue] Long time coming - update
    Monday, March 24, 2014
  2. {aundie} Ego
    Sunday, December 01, 2013
  3. {aundie} Anniversaries
    Monday, September 30, 2013
  4. (Stephanie) Fat sex and Body image
    Saturday, September 21, 2013
  5. (Stephanie) Self-encouragement
    Wednesday, September 18, 2013
  6. (Stephanie) Baggage
    Saturday, August 31, 2013
  7. (Stephanie) Emotional rollercoaster
    Tuesday, August 20, 2013
  8. (Stephanie) Finding Love long distance, Toss the list!
    Friday, August 09, 2013
  9. (Stephanie)I want a life
    Thursday, August 01, 2013
  10. {aundie} fitting in
    Saturday, July 27, 2013