Hello, all. I hope you had a beautiful Thanksgiving. As it is for many people, this is a time of reflection for me. I find myself evaluating my ego and pride.
I never wanted to appear lazy or unable because of my weight, so I overdid. I so worried about the stupid prejudices and stereotypes attributed to women of size that I never stopped to ask if the things I was doing needed to be done. This ego and pride has both been a great thing and a tremendous stumbling block.
There was the time I messed up my ankle because I refused to use a scooter. I had fallen down some stairs at the gym and tore up my ankle. About two weeks later, I was with fellow Sunday school teachers at Sam's club or Costco to shop for a youth group camp out. You know that those stores are big. I refused to use a scooter. Didn't matter that I needed it. Didn't matter that I was there serving others, which is kind of the opposite of lazy, which is how I was afraid I would appear in the scooter. Didn't matter that I had hurt myself at the gym. Only mattered that I couldn't be a fat chick in a scooter. Took almost a year for the damage to heal. I have no judgment of those who use a scooter. I think scooters provide mobility and freedom. But, for me, I was always terrified of them. I couldn't be in one simply because of my size. It would mean that those other people were right and that being fat was bad.
Then there was the time that my own prejudices about being large nearly caused my death. I had a clot and didn't know it because I assumed that I was out of breath all the time because of my size. Walking slowly and being out of breath was good enough for me. Now, I know better. The clot is gone and I move better. You should see me dance! Breathing is a wonderful thing. Stupid ego kept me from asking a doctor why I was out of breath. To be fair, many doctors are prejudiced and untrained and would not have looked beyond my weight. But, I gave up without even trying.
So, you see, my ego can do some damage. But, she also has made me a happy badass. That ego is why I can move like a younger, smaller woman. That ego is why I went back to school twice. That ego is why I no longer have a clot and don't have to take Coumadin.
I'm going to do my best to be healthy and to move. I like it. I like that people can't believe I will be 51 in January, but it is not all that I am. If I need a scooter in the future, I will use one. I may insist that it is pink, because I am a princess, but I will use it.
Today I had to come face to face with parts of my Body that I judge. Why do we judge our body so harshly? I have to admit my lady parts get me a bit uncomfortable (I blush) I have seen porn (ridiculous by the way) and I don’t look like them. I am smooshy and wrinkly and so on I am not a harry person and don’t even know if I should be? I have seen people tattoo stuff down there and pierce it. I have seem it bedazzled and dies colors what is going on down there. Some people cut off bits of themselves to look more the part and we try to smell like a flower? We do not need itchy glitter or neon pain to look sexy. We are beautiful no matter what our size shape or color. It’s not about all that how can we love our body when we think we must be decked out like a department store Christmas tree and smell like a floral shop. I don’t know if I will ever be totally comfortable in my smooshy wrinkly skin but I know it sure feels better to be kissed on real skin then something covered in pain, glitter and beads like a child’s art project. I am beautiful just how I am even if it sags a bit now and then.
Baggage we all have it! But how do we leave it behind so we do not drag it into the next Love. Did men cheat and lie in the past yes so am I waiting for the shoe to drop, yes. So I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to divine when he will hurt me, only to do two things hurt him and make what I fear come true. What do I want? I want a loving safe relationship full of trust and happiness but are my actions helping me get what I want? No. Is it about being right or being loved? I know I want to be loved but I am not sure I even know how at this point. I am dragging so much luggage behind me that I need a cart for it I am the guy in scrooge with the chains, my pile of luggage stretches all the way to the moon it seems. Now I have to be fare let go of a lot of it, I no longer look at how a man looks over how I am treated and I am not looking for a man to take care of me, I am not a pet or a child. I do have one very heavy piece of luggage that feels very burdensome, my fear of abandonment. First let me say that it’s not just a physical abandonment I fear but emotional as well. Let me go into a bit of history for you to understand I come by this quite honestly. I was married for 15 years and have 3 great sons I respect and love very much so I have no regrets just the baggage. I remember the day my X husband left me. It was not the rainy day (mother’s day) that my X physically left me and told me I was a bad wife and a worse mom (leaving his kids in my care, sure that’s the answer) It was quite early in our marriage when we were having a huge blow up and I was flipping out and I watched the love melt off his face. He left that day and stayed around like a zombie for years after that. That was less than 2 years into our marriage, I spent the next 13+ years trying to be good enough to please him and make his love return. This was not possible now we had moments of happiness but that deep safety of love was gone. I have had many examples of this were I act out and love leaves and someplace down the road I started to actively push love from me. I have pushed friendships and Lovers a like. Some hurt me along the way many I hurt, the entire time my heart is screaming to be loved. But what is love we all say we want it but if we do not know what it is how we can hope to fine it. First we need to understand there are many types of love some very safe others quite risky. An example of a safe love is the love I have for my sons, I love them no matter what, they have to do nothing to “earn” or keep my love it’s freely given with no expectation added on to it. I love them simply because they are. Now I also respect and enjoy them but that is a different topic. They earned that by being the kind of men who command respect, by being men of honor and compassion. I steamer trunk of fear that has attached its self to my hip is so painful I add to its weight by trying to avoid it. I push a way the very man who is trying to offer the very love I want so badly but this monstrous fear of trusting yet again only to be abandoned again making me act like a crazy woman. I look at how I am acting and the crazy things I am saying and wondering why he is still offing love to me. I know I need to dump off this fear but am not sure how to do it. I know it no longer serves me, no longer benefits me regardless of how this current love turns out. Then I had an epiphany I am holding on to the trunk. It’s not part of my being attached like a tumor I can’t get rid of. I am dragging this albatross from one place to the next. Into love relationships of all kinds, friendships to lovers. There I am dragging the very thing into my new love that killed the old one. Have I been hurt yes will I be hurt again sadly yes, but I do not have to be the cause of that hurt. I do not have to guarantee that it will happen and happen quickly. I do not have to drag my trunk full of all that pain along side of me, I just need to let it go, now if only I knew how.
I am opening with an apology. We all have our tastes and activities. I try not to be judgmental, but I fear I might be in this post. In no way do I want to put anyone down. These are my observations and views. I hope you can tell from previous blogs that I do not see myself has having "it" all together. So, if I offend you, please feel free to comment. I could very easily be wrong.
It's a glorious time to be fat in Vegas! Unless you are me. Then it is time to run into the house, lock the doors, break out the sweat pants, hide the makeup, and just try to wait out the storm. What storm? The bashes. Have you ever been to a BBW event, dance, or bash? I have been to some "clubs" and am about to attend my first bash. Well, I paid to attend my first bash, but my feet are so cold that my walking into a room can drop the temperature 10 degrees. We'll see if I actually make it to a single event.
A bbw dance here in Vegas is where a promoter gets a space in a bar for an evening, hires a dj, we show up in clothes that we only feel comfortable wearing at such events, drink, dance, give out phone numbers, and maybe take someone home. A bash is longer. Still drinking and dancing with some other events thrown in. It's a dance with more - more people, more events, more drinking, more sex.
To be fair, I'm sure there is more to one than this. After all, I've never actually gone to one. But, how wrong could I be? Last year, a man who was pursuing me talked me out of attending any bash events. He described them as a "sexfest". The man is no longer around, but I'm keeping the term.
We wanted equality. We got it. We, the large size population, now have the same opportunities as thinner people to meet shallow people who tell amazing stories just to get us to give our bodies away too easily. It's not even the body part that troubles me; in fact, I like the part that involves my body. It is all the game playing and lying. Why must men lie? Ok, take a break for equality. Why must people lie? We all get horny. It's ok to just want sex. It's ok to want sex before committing to a relationship. Hell, it's ok to want sex and not have it. (Remember those 21 years?). It's just not ok to lie. It's never been ok to lie. It's also often unnecessary. Well, that's not true.
Ladies, let's get real. We teach men to lie to us. We know they are not sincere and we give them 10,000 opportunities to say the "right thing" so that we can do the thing we wanted to do, but knew we shouldn't, whatever that thing is - sleep with him, sleep with his best friend, lend him your car, key his car. Whatever it is, you don't need a fantasy to do it. Just do it. Let's all make a commitment to take responsibilities for our bodies and our hearts, but without the fluff and lies. Think of it as a designer coffee without the whipped cream. I know you think you love the whipped cream, but it's really in the way.
I have begun a new weight management program. It does involve weight loss in that I am disentangling myself from the people who drain me, confuse me, drag me down. When a situation does not seem honest or safe, I will doubt the creator of the situation before I doubt myself. I will ask lots of questions of others, not of myself, and when I do not trust the answer, I will move on, without the one creating the doubt.
I will continue to add positive, motivated, somewhat driven people who are unafraid to move forward. Well, maybe they are a little afraid, but like me, they are more afraid of not moving forward.
I can feel that balance is becoming a reality in my life. So, I have to be careful. There's only so much weight I can handle and remain in balance, so I am going to be much more selective of where my attention is going. I'm no longer so afraid of being successful, of being paid attention to, of being desired, of pursuing new opportunities, and creating new realiities for myself. I'm writing a new criteria for where my time, attention, money, concern and body go. I'm reevaluating old rules, suspsending some, strengtening others. Yes, I hear you, you want my (fill in the blank - body, opinion, time, attention, money, support, etc.). Let me check your credentials up against my criteria cause it turns out my weight was not holding me back nearly as much as yours was.